We Recast "Clueless" With The Queens Of "RuPaul's Drag Race"
Clueless hit theaters on July 19, 1995—launching Alicia Silverstone, Paul Rudd and the phrase "as if" into the pop culture stratosphere. Yes, believe it or not, the quintessentially quotable teen movie is 20 years old. And we're celebrating by recasting the movie with queens from RuPaul's Drag Race!
So strap on your tiny backpack, grab your flip phone, and hop in our Jeep: Because we're headed back to Bronson Alcott High with the fierce stars of Drag Race.
Willam as Cher Horowitz
If you think Willam would be perfect as Cher (played by Alicia Silverstone in the movie, duh), you're not alone: Willam actually played her in a Peaches Christ production of Clueless, and she slayed. Plus she's always great as a ditzy California blonde. Look at her—she's a natural!
Good luck with that whole virgin thing, though, girl. Oops, sorry, "hymenally challenged."
Dida Ritz as Dionne
Stacy Dash has gone to the dark side (Fox News), so Dionne could use some new blood. Enter Dida Ritz. An easy choice—girlfriend has the stems for all those miniskirts. But let's get one thing straight, she DOES NOT wear polyester hair, okay?
Adore Delano as Tai Frasier
Adore wouldn't actually have act much to play rough-around-the-edges Tai (played by the late Britanny Murphy). Adore's transformation from boy to drag queen is pretty much Tai's before-and-after makeover.
Plus, she's got the singing chops for both "Rollin' With The Homies" and the Mentos theme. Ooooh... PROJECT!
Alaska as Amber
Ah, Amber, the class bitch. Who do we know that could possibly portray Cher's nasal nemesis? Who, who, who? Why, Alaska, of course!
After all, Amber steals every scene she's in and doesn't always fit in with the cool clique. We'll have to check if Alaska is allowed to have balls flying at her face, though.
Latrice Royale as Murray
Latrice in boy drag would be brilliant as Dionne's boyfriend, Murray. Know why? Because, just like Donald Faison's character, she's keeps it real! Just imagine Latrice saying, "Your man Christian is a cake boy! He's a disco-dancing, Oscar-Wilde-reading, Streisand-ticket-holding, friend of Dorothy's." Perfection.
Also, what a pleasant change of pace for a drag queen to wear sweatsuits and flats.
Milk as Christian
Speaking of cake boys, wouldn't Milk make a good Christian? He's a dreamy, stylish Baldwin that any girl would be happy to have a doomed crush on. It's a lesson every woman needs to learn eventually, and we're sure Milk would let them down gently.
Phi Phi O'Hara as Elton
Phi Phi knows a thing or two about playing the villain. We think she'd be sublime as the sullen, privileged and popular Elton.
We'll send you a Cranberries CD so you can prepare for your role, Phi Phi. Just don't leave it in the quad.
BenDeLaCreme as Josh
Who better to play the faux-grunge, college kid than a queen who knows all about hipsters, intellectuals and crispy Seattle weather? Put down that razor and let those chin pubes grow, Ben, because you're hired!
Pearl as Travis Birkenstock
Those sleepy eyes would come in handy if Pearl were cast as Travis, Brecken Meyer's adorable stoner with a deep love of McMuffins.
But remember, Pearl, it's one thing to spark up a doobie and get wasted at parties, but it's quite another to be fried all day. #NoSleepwalking.
Tammie Brown as Miss Geist
Honestly, there's no one but Tammie Brown who could play this role. Tammie embodies the quirky innocence and kindness that made the lonely-hearted teacher one of Cher's favorite projects.
"Did you sign up for the environmental fair?" We would if Tammie were asking.
Chad Michaels as Mr. Hall
Chad Michaels is a PROFESSIONAL. We're sure he'd be up for the challenge of playing Cher's debate teacher (played by the legendary Wallace Shawn in the movie.) Think of the chemistry he'd have with Tammie when Mr. Hall and Miss Geist share a thermos of coffee that leads to everlasting love.
"Old people can be so sweet!" Not that Chad and Tammie are old, of course. Hey, it's in the script. Look it up.
Katya as Ms. Stoeger
Katya's comic timing and Russian gymnast training make her a fine choice for everyone's favorite surly lesbian gym teacher from Beverly Hills. We think even Julie Brown would approve.
Bianca Del Rio as Mel Horowitz
Cher's dad is a litigator—that's the scariest kind of lawyer. Bianca del Rio is a stand-up comic—the scariest kind of drag queen. Seriously, though: Mel Horowitz (played by Dan Hedaya in the movie) is basically the straight-dad version of Bianca. He's always yelling and he's got a one liner for everything.
Maybe Bianca should become a lawyer in real life. Baloney!
RuPaul as Cher's Mom
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Okay, so Cher's late mother wasn't really a full character in Clueless, she was more of a guiding presence illustrated in a giant tacky portrait.
We know just the icon to make a cameo in this role. They don't call her Mama Ru for nothing, after all.
And with that, our Drag Race reimagining of Clueless is complete. We hope you enjoyed this feature presentation. We're outtie.
