Did you miss me? Probably not, since Louis and snicks kept you company. I spent the last week riding roller coasters, walking gardens, caves, blowing my diet, and hiking waterfalls, and feel much less homicidal than normal. On to the news!

It turns out that the Defense of Marriage Act isn't just bad for the gays, it would also keep Jeannie from marrying Master, and Superman from marrying Lois Lane.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt says that he's too good of a friend with Zooey Deschanel to ever consider dating her, but he does offer up tips about what he looks for in a partner. Are you listening, Morgan? “Making checklists of things you’re looking for in a person is the numero uno thing you can do to guarantee you’ll be alone forever. You just have to pay attention, keep your eyes open, listen to people and be present. I guess what I look for in a girl is someone who’s doing that too.”

Warner Bros. has let their option lapse on The Imitation Game, a biography of Alan Turing which had been rumored to star Leonardo DiCaprio. The film will now be shopped to other studios.

The San Francisco Chronicle has issued one heck of a correction in their story about drag queens being banned from Most Holy Redeemer Church. "C.W. Nevius' column about Most Holy Redeemer banning drag queen performers incorrectly stated that entertainer Peaches Christ appeared at an event at the church's hall with a dildo shaped like a crucifix. He did not appear at the event, nor does he use the prop."

NBC continues belt tightening, laying off about 20 staffers from The Tonight Show. The layoffs were said to have been larger, but Jay Leno stepped in and took a multi-million dollar pay cut in an effort to save jobs.

The Village Voice, iconic New York paper and voice of several queer generations is struggling, laying off multiple writers. The story, from someone who worked there in the past, shows an ongoing decline in the once venerable weekly.

Brian Moylan explains how Grindr isn't just for sex, showing examples of how it can be used for anything from buying furniture to finding a neighbor to save you when you lock yourself on the roof of your apartment building. Amusingly, New Left Media's Chase Whiteside posted a screenshot of his Grindr Saturday asking for a jump start.

Nick Grimshaw is now hosting BBC Radio One's morning show, which is evidently a huge deal, making him Ryan Seacrest with a better accent. But he's also a gay man, as he confirms in this interview with The Guardian. I have no idea if he was ever closeted, or no one ever asked, but still, welcome to the gayborhood!

The Expendables 2 is going to win the box office with about $30 million, with The Bourne Legacy taking second with $17 million, and Sparkle and ParaNorman fighting it out for third at $15 million. Is anyone besides me shocked at how well violent fare is doing at the box office in the wake of the Aurora shootings?

Attitude is letting you vote for their hottest cover model, from Daniel Radcliffe to David Gandy. Personally, I voted for Gareth Thomas for baring all on the cover.

Breaking Bronie news – Bobak Ferdowski has been turned into a pony and is available on a t-shirt.

An eight-year-old in Minnesota wants to know if his moms will go to jail if the gay marriage amendment passes. Who's doing harm to children again?

Color me surprised, but Rupert Murdoch says that Romney should support a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. I predict a change in Romney's platform in 3-2-1.

In Taipei, you can buy a sausage wrapped in a penis shaped pancake. If you're into that sort of thing.

ABC is developing a detective drama centered around Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer, set in a steampunk New Orleans. Stop and think about how that feels in your brain for a minute. And that sound you heard was one million English teachers crying out in horror at the reports they'll be getting.

Zoe Saldana was recently cast in Nina, about legendary singer Nina Simone. But now Simone's daughter Lisa Celeste Stroud is shooting down the central premise of the movie, the love story between Simone and nurse and manager Clifton Henderson. "The story was written as a love story between my mother and her former nurse, Clifton Henderson and primarily takes place during the last 8 years of her life. Please note, this project is unauthorized. The Nina Simone Estate was never asked permission nor invited to participate. Clifton Henderson was gay. He was not attracted to women. So, the truth is...Nina Simone and Clifton Henderson NEVER had a relationship other than a business one. Please correct me, but isn't a biopic the story of one's life?"

My friend Rod McCullom has an excellent story in Ebony about the criminalization of HIV and how everybody should be worried about it.

Andrew Shirvell tormented then University of Michigan student Body president Christopher Armstrong. Shirvell was an assistant attorney general, and it cost him his job. Armstrong sued for $25,000 over the events in question. A jury just awarded him $4.5 million. Shirvell plans to appeal. He has nothing better to do since he's still unemployed.

Sure it sometimes sucks ducking into the drug store late at night, obviously in clothes from the club, and having to buy condoms under the funny look of the clerk, but condoms have a storied history in this country. Just be glad you're not using a sheep intestine.

We've plugged several Kickstarter campaigns here on the site. Now I can report that Offbeatr exists, which does the same thing, but for adult projects, including gay ones. One of the featured projects is from Mormonboyz.com, just in time for the election.

People on the patio at Salt Lake City gay club JAM were pelted with lit flares this week. No one was injured, and police are looking for suspects based on a description and a car used. Patrons are still divided on whether it was safer outside with the flares, or inside with the karaoke.

Adam Levine says the he'd still be for marriage equality even if he didn't have a (hot) gay brother. "When I'm talking about dating a girl and they're talking about dating a guy - big f*cking deal. That's the thing; that's what's so bizarre about it: It doesn't faze me. Obviously I was brought up to believe that everybody is on a level playing field and we're all crazy, cool and all that fun stuff - and I don't pay much mind to it, because who am I to judge people? I judge people based on the things that they do. I judge people based on their character. If you have a friend who decides to do certain things in their own private time - even if they're straight - whatever the f*ck they're into, fine. It doesn't matter. That's the biggest problem: It just simply doesn't affect the way I view a person. It's so arbitrary."

Since I just got back from vacation, here's a shot of Ben Cohen enjoying his

Speaking of amusement parks (my vacation), here are Colton Haynes and Tyler Hoechlin enjoying the Pier. I see them holding up their phones to take pictures. I wasn't that brave, was convinced I'd drop mine on the coasters.

Yet they still end up buying the official photo?

In Glee news, Brad Fulchick says Heather Morris has gone full dolphin. Or gay shark.

Along with Pink!, Janelle Monae is a new face of Covergirl

Things like this are why people don't like you, Josh Radnor

Also on Glee, Lea Michele and Chris Colfer retreat to the shadows

Matthew Mitcham is bouncing around Europe. Here he is at Fontana Di Trevi

And doing a handstand at Villa Borghese. Nice thighs

Suburgatory's Parker Young has a new girlfriend he named Bonnie. His mother does not approve

Supposedly Trevor Donovan has water in that jug, but based on the haircut I'm going with moonshine

In a rather unusual state of affairs for me, I was completely blindsided by the movie Keep The Lights On, based on the book Portait of the Addict As a Young Man by Ira Sachs. It's autobiographical of his relationship with literary agent Bill Clegg, and their long, painful courtship. It stars Zachary Booth and Thure Lindhardt. The whole thing starts out with a one night stand between the two men, and follows their relationship through the drugs and the hookers. I admit, I'm fascinated.

Because it's the weekend, and I've missed you, I think you deserve a treat. So here's the latest Andrew Christian video, Newbie. While guys in their underwear are generally NSFW, as Andrew Christian videos go, this is positively innocent, and even has a plot of sorts. And hot guys in their underwear.

In the latest Headlines That Suck, Charlie Berens again denies my request that he host from the beach in a Speedo, but still, he manages to take on everything from Pussy Riot to the real Walter White.

In the same vein as Headlines That Suck, but slightly more gay, Dave Holmes takes a look at the week that was, from Tim Tebow posing shirtless to Paul Ryan, and tells us Was This Week Good For The Gays?

This Ask the SEXPert video with Conner Habib came out just as I was leaving town, but I do like the topic, which is public nudity. Not the kind that gets you arrested, but like going to a nude beach, which one partner isn't up for. Rather than coming down firmly in favor of public nudity (which he is), Conner encourages the young man to figure out why his partner doesn't want to hit the nude beach, and provide encouragement about body image if that's the issue. Of course, this brings to mind the fun question, which is who here likes nude beaches? Which ones are your favorite? When I lived in San Diego I used to go to Blacks Beach all the time, despite the treacherous approach.

It's that time of year, the new FDNY Calendar is out, and New York's hottest hose wielders took to the streets to pose and autograph their beefcake shots. Which month has you overheating?

Robot Chicken has run out of Star Wars sequels to make fun of, so they're turning their twisted humor to the DC universe. Can they finally find a use for Aquaman?

In 10 Years, Channing Tatum returns to high school again, but this time for a reunion, not as a cop. Well, he could be a cop, the trailer isn't specific about what he does. In any case, he meets up with all his old friends and finds out how each has changed, and what has stayed the same. Spoiler Alert: Every one of them turned out heterosexual.

When talking to Jimmy Kimmel, Jennifer Garner manages to speak to her old West Virginia alma mater, and do two solid minutes talking about Ben Affleck's junk. Sadly, it's not really that arousing.

When Finding Nemo 3D hits theaters later this year to pull even more money out of parents' pockets (and make Ellen DeGeneres even richer), it will have a new Toy Story short in front of it, Partysaurus Rex. I'm not sure that I ever saw Rex as a party king, but I suppose that's the humor.

Now that the Olympics are over, the athletes are out of their jobs for another four years, and they're seeking something temp-to-perm. In this economy, good luck with that.

Shia LeBeouf already bared it all in that music video last month, but he's going to take it a step further in Lars Van Triers' Nymphomaniac, which he says comes with the disclaimer that all sex scenes will be real sex acts (like Short Bus), and anything illegal (this has me curious) will be shot out of focus. Anyone want to see Shia get it on? Possibly with Nicole Kidman, who is also attached?