It has been approximately five years since the last episode of Revenge. This means even recognizing the characters when a brand new episode airs tonight will be near impossible, let alone remembering how you feel about them. The gay kid from Gossip Girl‘s hair will be worse, the miserable girl from Everwood‘s probably gained a few and in her mid-30s and Madeline Stowe, well Maddie will look exactly the same.
But remembering who is a villain on the show and who we are cool with may be pretty hard for some viewers, so we have put together a nice little post informing you how you should feel about all those sh*theads in the Hamptons. You’re welcome.
Emily Thorne/Amanda Clark (Emily-VanCamp)
The absolute worst character on this show without question. She has billions of dollars, a slamming body and very, very healthy hair. So is she shopping up a storm and flying all over the world like every good socialite should? No. Instead she mopes around a cottage in the Hamptons playing with guns and taking occasional karate lessons while trying to avenge her father’s death, no doubt blasting Tori Amos songs all day long. This little lady has daddy issues in the worst way ever and needs to get over them by using that money to find a nice hot man and get some. Seriously, whoever said money can’t buy happiness did not have her disposable income.
Amanda Clark/Emily Thorne (Margarita Levieva)
Truth be told we spend most episodes wanting to smack the marbles out of this girl’s mouth and teach her how to enunciate. Did she have a childhood stroke or is she always eating oatmeal? That being said, we like the fact that she is taking advantage of Emily/Amanda by banging her crush, taking her money and murdering bodyguards with golf clubs. Save the whole being a hostage of a sociopath thing, life has been pretty great for this delinquent.
Nolan Ross (Gabriel Mann)
What a pushover. This kid is so pathetic between the always doing what Emily/Amanda says and falling in love with a psychotic hooker. Also, dude needs to stop pretending he is bisexual, he is not fooling anyone. It would be nice if Nolan got a backbone and then used some of that money to get himself a nice hot rent boy. Maybe he would be a little less miserable then.
Jack Porter (Nick Wechsler)
It is hard to hate a character that has absolutely no personality.
Daniel Grayson (Joshua Bowman)
Declan Porter (Connor Paolo)
If you thought the gay kid from Gossip Girl was annoying on that show do NOT tune in to Revenge. Declan may be the most whiny, grating and altogether awful character on the entire program — and he has never even killed anyone. We can’t really remember what his dream is in life but we can tell you it is stupid and ridiculous and completely unattainable. We hope that even though he was likely a newborn he somehow did something awful to Amanda/Emily’s father (maybe pissed on their couch?) and she is going to kill him soon.
Charlotte Grayson (Christa B. Allen)
Almost as bad as her boyfriend Declan but we like the way Charlotte does not give a fu*k. She will be spending all her parents money and she will be getting drunk and she really doesn’t care what you think about all that. Too bad her sister is that awful wet noodle Amanda/Emily.
Tyler Barrol (Ashton Holmes)
Here is how to ruin a popular series, get rid of the most awesome character you have. A sociopathic pill head with psychotic tendencies who kidnaps people and sleeps with men and women — why did you people ever let this gem get killed?
Ashley Davenport (Ashley Madekwe)
This British broad is pretty awesome as we are slowly beginning to see that she will happily screw a bitch over in her quest to get to the top. She seems to have replaced Amanda/Emily with porcelain princess Victoria and though she has had a few missteps, like dating Tyler, she always seems to come out unscathed in the end. Now if only she would stop walking around with that stupid iPad.
Victoria Grayson (Madeline Stowe)
Unlike Amanda/Emily, Victoria gets over her problems by reminding herself how rich she is and how much power she has over everyone around her. This is why we all love her.