America’s Broadcasting Network is all about bitches these days. Sure there has always been those horrible wenches on Desperate Housewives and the self-centered sh*ts on Grey’s Anatomy, but in 2012 the network has gone above and beyond by introducing Don’t Trust the B– in Apt. 23 and GCB (Good Christian
Belles Bitches). More like America’s Bitchiest Network. Ha!
The only problem is that the characters on these shows are not nearly as bitchy as some of their ABC pals, so let’s take a look at five bigger bitches on the network. And trust us, this was not an easy list to whittle down.
Victoria Grayson (Madeline Stowe) — Revenge
With her porcelain skin and motionless face, Ms. Greyson rules the Hamptons on Revenge with an iron fist, despite the deaths, divorces and psychotic episodes going on all around her. She trusts no one, is never seen out of high heels and would not be caught dead in a pair of pants. And when this lady raises, or even worse lowers, her voice, beware. Things are about to go down and you better steer clear of Hurricane V.
Bitch Scale (1-10): 7
All the Single Ladies (Desperate Women) — The Bachelor
I have never watched an episode of The Bachelor in my life. I have never read a story about The Bachelor or any contestant on the show either. That being said, I can tell you that these women are horrible, awful bitches. Every weekly magazine cover seems to announce it and those promos our pals at ABC seem to air every other commercial break seem to back this up. They lie, they cheat and, worst of all, they have premarital relations on national television. The horror!
Bitch Scale: 6
Regina Mills (Lana Parrilla) — Once Upon a Time
I am sure Lana Parrilla is a lovely woman and she is very attractive, but this lady has got bitch face like no other. If she were smiling at us while handing us flowers and cake or even giving us a wad of cash, we would still think she is a bitch. What’s worse, her character on Once Upon a Time seems to like killing people and banishing entire kingdoms to Maine, of all places, for eternity. Bitch may not even be a strong enough word, this woman is a complete…
Bitch Scale: 10
Gelman (Michael Gellman) — LIVE! with Kelly
Michael Gelman is a total buzz kill. Every time sweet little Kelly Ripa wants to have some fun and goof around, there he is in his stupid headset making her cut to commercial or trying to keep her on track. Gel, Kelly is a wild bird that you need to let fly free. She cannot be caged, she cannot be muzzled so chill my friend and let he do her thing. Also, can you start booking Anderson Cooper more?
Bitch Scale: 6
River (Amazon River) — The River
First off, the Amazon is filled with snakes which is seriously the bitchiest thing ever. Also, piranhas. In just eight episodes of The River people were dying, getting abducted by mysterious things, being set on fire and just generally looking uncomfortable and super, super miserable. Also there were maybe aliens or something weird hanging out around the river. This is why that river is a total bitch.
Bitch Scale: 9