Who Will Win An Oscar For Playing Crazy Rhubarb Lady?

If you haven’t seen the “Crazy Rhubarb Lady” video, please live now. She is a hotheaded vegetation thief with a gift for gab. NSFW for language and mesmerizing horror.

Now, if you’re like me, you see a candid video like this — with such notable bon mots as “This is goddamn alley property, b*tch” and “Because my lawnmower was stolen, b*tch, by a f*cking pig!” — and think, “Who is going to win an Oscar for reenacting this?” It’s a tough call.

The thing about Crazy Rhubarb Lady, who loves rhubarbs, is when the big screen translation of her life happens, she can be a winning role for either gender, in any race, of any species. It’s hard to think outside of the box on this one because the animal kingdom is the box. She is Anne Ramsey performing Dave Chappelle’s impersonation of Rick James. She is John C. Reilly adopting Mercedes McCambridge’s Exorcist wail. She is John Goodman adopting Mercedes Reuhl’s hair height. That’s three Oscar winners and an Oscar nominee right there. She is also Scooby Doo villain possessed by Beavis, a Def Comedy Jam version of the nonsense-blabbing teachers from Peanuts, and a razorback powered internally by trapped aardwolves. Which reminds, can someone PLEASE FREE THE AARDWOLVES.

For me, the casting decision is clear: Glenn Close in heavy prosthetics with Scream killer’s voice-changer and archived audio of Eileen Brennan piping in constantly. Call em a traditionalist.

Your turn.