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The 5 Most Disappointing Songs of 2012

[caption id="attachment_72454" align="aligncenter" width="607"]Nicki Minaj got a reality show on E! Oh Nicki. Why?[/caption]

This year, I'm not anointing the worst songs of 2012, because there are hundreds of people who will do that. Instead, I'm listing the 5 most disappointing songs of the year. Songs that really ought to have been good... but just weren't.

If you disagree with my choices, that's cool. Tell me in the comments. Or if you'd like to nominate other disappointing tunes, go right ahead. Or if you'd like to tell me that I'm totally awesome and correct, then you should comment twice.

And so... let's heave a sigh of dashed expectations and begin.

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(5) "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson

It's unfair to expect every Kelly Clarkson song to change my understanding of pop music's potential. Even The Beatles, Madonna, and Michael Jackson dropped a few clunkers in their time. But Kelly C's been on such a strong run of singles recently, moving from "Don't You Wanna Stay" to "Mr. Know It All" to "Stronger" to the under-appreciated "Dark Side," that my standards have gotten awfully high.

Understandably, then, when I heard she was delivering a new track to launch her Greatest Hits album, I got excited. Surely, this would be another classic! I mean, if Pink could put "Raise Your Glass" and "Fuckin' Perfect" on her hits album, then surely Kelly's new song would be just as amazing!

Except... no. "Catch My Breath" isn't terrible, but it's generic. Like I said in my review, it's yet another formulaic "power of me" anthem about how Kelly has overcome obstacles. Yawn.

(4) "Don't Wake Me Up" by Chris Brown

This song reached #10 on the Hot 100 and has sold well over a million copies, and that's disappointing because Chris Brown is such an  unrepentant, abusive lunatic. His continued success is a giant oil spill on our national identity. And no, I'm not linking to this song or embedding it in this post. If you really want to hear it, you can track it down, but I'm not going to help push that soulless electro bilge any further into the world.

(3) "Brokenhearted" by Karmin

This song comes so close to awesomeness, but then it gets so fucking twee, with Amy Heidemann shouting "cheerio" and basically begging us to think she's cute. That's frustrating because Heidemann is a great singer and rapper. But along with her partner Nick Noonan, her instincts just keep leading her astray. As I wrote in April, with every major label release, Karmin gets further and further from what made them so incredible when they were YouTube sensations. (For proof, listen to this original song from early 2011. Spectacular.)

(2) "Give Me All Your Luvin'" by Madonna featuring M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj

I've been an ardent fan of Madonna's music for over twenty years, and even before that, I saved up all my pennies in 1985 to buy the single of "Material Girl." And even on middling albums like Hard Candy or American Life, she always delivered several songs that were worth my time and attention. When she got tapped to perform this year's Super Bowl halftime show, I figured she'd debut a new single that shook the sky like thunder. Instead, she performed "Give Me All Your Luvin'", a song so insipid that it features the lyrics "We can drink some wine/Burgundy is fine/Let's drink the bottle/Every drop." And even that might be okay if the beat obliterated my mind. But it doesn't. The song just sits there, barely trying. And that's true of the entire MDNA album, which is the first Madonna record that I have disliked from start to finish. It's like she just gave up or stopped caring, and while I hope her next album will be a return to form, it's hard to quite believe.

Still, I can't quite make Madonna my number one disappointment of the year, because at least she waited 30 years to sink this low. Her "Give Me All Your Luvin'" co-star on the other hand...

(1) "Starships" by Nicki Minaj

Seriously, y'all. Why was this song such a huge hit? Does anyone actually think it's good? Does anyone really believe it approaches the fizzy brilliance of "Super Bass?" Does anyone think it showcases the rebellious, theatrically thrilling brilliance of Minaj's rapping? Does anyone think it was a good idea to make her sing so much? Or that these outfits were a good choice for the video? I asked a few weeks ago if dance music is ruining Nicki Minaj, and when "Starships" is her biggest chart success, I'm afraid the answer is yes. It's incredibly disappointing to see an artist this talented make such terrible music so early in her career. She'd barely begun to show us how original she can be before her songs started sounding like trend-chasing zombies.

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Follow my countdown of the Best and Worst Songs of 2012. (The Best begins next Monday.)

Mark Blankenship lives for pop music countdowns. He tweets as @IAmBlankenship

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