At the beginning of the night there were 124 contestants and by the end there were around 60 standing – the drama of that alone is pretty gay. But let’s take a closer look at why last night’s X Factor was a little light in the loafers.
Several contestants cracked under the dramatic pressure of it all. We get that people falling flat on their faces isn’t very gay, but there is something pretty dramatic about contestants expected to perform well who then crack under the cut throat pressure (we’re looking at you, Mckayla Maroney – although we agree that the silver medal is pretty sickening). Well, last night’s hyper dramatic show brought us an entire montage of hopefuls dropping like gay flies. First, there was the Little Orphan Annie wannabe, Jordyn Foley – the girl whose fiece fashions and scrappy spirit reminded us of Punky Brewster. Too bad her second audition was, as Simon put it, “Dreadful.” Then, there was sweet, sweet, Trevor Moran, who charmed in his first go, but stood out like a rainbow thumb last night, sashaying around the stage and belting Nicki Minaj’s, “Starship.” The saddest of the bunch, though, was 12-year-old, Jake Garza, of Alice, Texas, who looked super fly in his lavender button up with matching glasses and white neck tie. He was meant to sing Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” but never got the chance has his nerves took over and he fell into a puddle of tears, leaving the stage to call for his mom. Rushing to his side, his mother embraced her boy explaining, “It’s okay. It’s not easy. It’s not easy. Look at me. I love you!” Poor little guy! We still tear up thinking about it. And that, folks, is pretty damn gay.
There was a super dreamy boy band moment. While we could have used more boy bands (we can ALWAYS use more boy bands), it was so nice to reminisce about the guy groups we have loved so far. Framed through the narration of skater rock trio, Emblem 3, there was a mosaic of several male ensembles rehearsing their choreography (YES!) and tightening up their harmonies (DOUBLE YES)! The front man of Emblem three, however, was not impressed. “Looking around at the other groups, I feel like we really don’t have anything to worry about. Like not really at all. All the other boy bands just look the same to me. I see them wanting to be like, ‘I’m gonna be a star,’ and I’m like, ‘Dude, just be a musician.’” (Hey, jack ass, don’t think we didn’t catch that homophobic slur when you put on your best “gay” voice, imitating the other bands. You’re cute and all, and we like you, but watch it). ANYway, with Citizen, Jetset and L3VEL (yes, they did use a “3” in place of an “e” in their name and they are amazing for it), this moment proved a legitimate boy band extravaganza – making us wonder, “Will there ever be an NSYNC reunion?”
The show ended with a sing-off. Who doesn’t love two divas trying to out sing each other? Oh, come on! You know the best part of VH1’s Diva concerts is always at the end, when all the performers are on stage together. They riff and sing loud and sing high and end up sounding like a room full of wet cats in heat? Yeah, well, 21-year-old Paige Thomas thought she had her audition in the bag, giving us a pretty fierce version of Whitney’s “I Will Always Love You” (this is where we would like to point out that the song was actually written by and first recorded by Ms. Dolly Parton – but that’s another article). Thomas’s look was fierce and vocals even stronger, until overly confidant CeCe Frey took the stage and announced that she would be singing The Body Guard anthem as well. Over “OH NO SHE DIDN’T” rumbles from the crowd of contestants, LA announced, “It’s a sing off!” As much as we wanted Frey to be terrible – simply for her quote: “On a scale of 1 to 10 how confident am I feeling? How about 25? Is that good?” OH, and also for that HIDEOUS leopard spot temporary tattoo on her face. We’re sorry, there is nothing cute about looking like you belong in a zoo – the mean girl singer actually, sort of blew the roof off the place, leaving Simon to ponder, “It’s quite interesting out of those two performances because one of you actually nailed it. That’s what it’s all about.”