‘X Factor’ Recap: Khloe Kardashian’s Nipples and Gaga’s Love Child

Paige Thomas channels her inner Gaga (Getty)

Greetings, dear X Factor fans! Many apologies from all of us at NewNowNext for not serving you a recap of the first live show. We know what you’re thinking.  At this point, our coverage of your favorite show in the history of television is so spotty that we’re reminding you of your workaholic mom who always made time for that conference call, but never quite made it to your soccer games. We get it and we really don’t mean to pour salt in the emotional wound left by your absentee parent. Perhaps some therapy could help you work through these abandonment issues? As for us, we have been dealing with a tiny natural disaster over here on the east coast. So, we’ve been just a scoch preoccupied. Nevertheless, we were able to catch the last two episodes and all we can say is, wow: 16 performances plus critiques from each judge and four sing offs with more adjudication over four hours divided by two nights is A LOT of television. Here are some of our very scattered (Did we mention that we’re still recovering from a mega storm?) impressions.

Khloe Kardashian is kind of awesome. So, for the live shows, they have enlisted TV host, A.C. Slater (aka Mario Lopez) and reality TV star, Khloe Kardashian, as our master and mistress of ceremonies. While we would have preferred Mr. Lopez to host shirtless, his performance was exactly what we expected – cheesy smiles, slicked back hair, etc., etc. What really threw us for a loop, though, was the youngest Kardashian sister. We get that the United States of America is fascinated by all things Kardashian; but honestly, watching their show makes us feel like our brain is dying and that our soul needs a shower. Ms. Khloe really turned it out, though. On night one, she hit the scene wearing a fierce blouse, revealing cleavage to her waist and we’re pretty sure her nipples were hard most of the night. It is possible that she was drunk – she seemed to kind of bark into the microphone – but we sure did love it when she forced the judges to back up their vague opinions of the performances. Last night she was less exciting, but looked amazing in a royal blue, leather mini dress. She did interrupt a lot of people, which was amusing. Looking back, she probably was drunk. But as long as it’s entertaining, keep the drinks flowing, Khloe!

Enough with production extravaganzas already! Listen, we love a smoke machine, glitter and back up dancers as much as the next girl, but these poor children are getting swallowed up by it all! Starting with the lovely Paige Thomas, dressed in an outfit that reminded us of Lady Gaga’s lovechild with a space alien, all of the acts were just over the top. We’re sorry, you can’t be a so, so, timid singer with spikes on your head. And it’s the same with the sets and back up dancers – these people just aren’t ready to pull it off. Poor, over-produced, Jason Brock, was destroyed by the judges for his everything-but-the-kitchen-sink number and he has one of the best voices in the competition! Thank goodness he saved himself on night two with a park and bark version of Whitney’s “One Moment in Time.” But, the biggest offender was our absolute favorite, Carly Rose Sonenclar. Our hearts – literally – stopped when we heard Britney mention dressing her in the iconic “Hit Me Baby One More Time” Catholic school girl uniform. Our favorite singer in the competition wearing one of our favorite looks of all time? YES, PLEASE! Too bad she ended up looking like she was in a crappy high school stage production of Harry Potter: The Musical. We get that the judges are trying to create superstars, but less is more. Ease them into the numbers fit for a stadium show and for now let them do what they do best: SING!

There were no big shocking cuts. Though the competition is winding down (we went from 16 to 12 this week), we have to say that the folks that got cut pretty much made sense. We loved Willie Jones, but he was a bit confusing as a viable pop star. Plus, the bottom line is that he just wasn’t as strong as his competitors. David Corey gave a pretty raw version of Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone,” and while we would have chosen him over Vino Alan, his sing-for-your-life performance was kind of forced. Diamond White getting the ax was mildly shocking, but had she stayed, Britney would have been left with three girl belters, so it makes sense that she passed through Arin Ray. Simon could have gone either way but ultimately Sister C just wasn’t as likeable or as good as 1432 (worst band name of all time). So, in the end, it all worked out the way it should. But, don’t forget that next week, WE get to vote – and not just for our next president!  (Zing! We’re here all week, folks)!

Previously: ‘X Factor’ Recap: Britney’s Team is Everything