“America’s Next Top Model” Recap: The Girl Who Says It’s Over

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The theme of this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model is Feminism 101: Girl power! Slut-shaming! Sisterhood! Boss ass bitches! You know, all that fun stuff.

Let’s get into it!:

Cat Fight: Denzel is feeling the fallout from Tyra reading him for his homophobia. He immediately pulls Will to the side to offer a standard “I’m sorry that I offended you” non-apology. After some initial dubious word choices, Denzel starts sounding sincere. Is it possible to be somewhat authentic and completely half-assed at the same time?

Either way, Will seems ready to move on. He’s got a competition to win.

Love Triangle: Meanwhile, Mirjana and Denzel are still a thing. For the first time in five episodes, the producers prompt our banji queen to talk about the boy back home:  “I’ve never cheated on him up until now … I think I’m falling in love with Denzel.”

Ten minutes later, Little Lennox overhears Denzel talkin’ trash. She runs to Mirjana to report the incident—because sisterhood! Mirjana does a total 180 and transforms from banji queen into bipolar queen. After hurling a chair, she breaks up Screen shot 2014-10-11 at 12.06.50 AMwith Denzel and comes clean to her boyfriend back home (who seems oddly cool about the whole thing?).

Ten minutes after that she’s back with Denzel. “I’m going to Hell,” says Mirjana. You and me both, sister.

 

Unnecessarily Complex Mini-Challenge: Once again the models are made to style, direct, and shoot their own advertisements.This time, Kelly Cutrone and the head of Nylon mag are the judges.

Told to focus on themes of female empowerment, the models promptly demonstrate that they’ve never actually looked inside a magazine—or heard the word feminism—almost unilaterally missing the mark.

Denzel takes particular heat from Kelly for refusing to listen to her orders. Mirjana doesn’t want to take charge because she’s afraid to look like a bitch. And Matthew is reprimanded for telling Raelia to look like a slut.

“The word slut is something that should be taken out of your vocabulary,” demands Kelly. Hey, no argument here.

Screen shot 2014-10-11 at 12.08.46 AMShei ends up winning the challenge (alongside Keith and Adam) by taking female empowerment literally and dominating her boy toys in the shoot. Kelly emphasizes that female empowerment does not equal male degradation, but whatever.

Conspicuous Product Placement: Remember those Ancestry.com DNA tests the contestants took? Probably about the same time Mirjana last mentioned her boyfriend?

Well, they results are in! The big reveals is here! Ta-da! No one cares.

We’re told that everyone’s ancestry will play an integral part in the next shoot, but really this only encourage the stylists to add some cartoonishly stereotpyical accessories onto an otherwise unrelated outfit. Hooray for ham-fisted advertising!

Pseudo-Artistic Photo-Shoot:  The contestants are asked to pose in futuristic outfits with last season’s breakout queen Cory, who is dressed in some kind of Daft Punk drag. Of course Cory nails every shot, once again demonstrating he should have won last season.

Everyone else turns out a milquetoast performance. Of note is Lennox’s killer bathtub booty-tooch. Oh and did anyone else clock Yu Tsai’s joke about Will’s hungry butt? I mean, I had already assumed Will was a bottom, but I wasn’t going to come out and say it.

Actually Surprising Elimination: The contestants approach the firing squad once again. Tyra wears some reject Kardashian outfit while Miss J gets increasingly annoyed about the rest of the panel’s decisions.

Screen shot 2014-10-11 at 12.10.47 AM

Lennox gets tens across the board for her near-perfect shoot, while Mirjana and Matthew hang out on the bottom. Tyra gives Mirjana a Beyonce-inspired lecture about how women who take charge are often called bitches. “I’m not bossy, I’m a boss,” Tyra forces Mirjana to repeat over and over.

Haters to the left, I’m digging Social Justice Tyra.

Matthew ends up going home for his middling mediocrity. Goodbye Matt! We’ll miss you and your homosocial romances!

Tyra Narcissism: After the elimination we’re treated to a brief Ancestry.com-sponsored post-script where Tyra discovers her own racial history. Spoiler: she’s a mix of a lot of races, just like everyone else on the show.

Check back next week for our recap of Episode 9!

freelance pop-culture blogger (NNN, MTV Iggy, Oxygen) / recovering academic / wannabe club kid / satanic hipster / talentless DJ.
@eric_shorey