“America’s Next Top Model” Recap: The Guy Who Starts A Fight

ANTM-Will-Kari america's next top model

Season changes, people change, but we still have America’s Next Top Model to count on.  Let’s tear into this week’s episode, shall we?

Impossible Beauty Standards: We start with a montage of the models fooling around in the house: Adam’s career goals are to “crush Excel,” Mirjana and Kari are not above Truth or Dare, and Romeo is ready for some psychological warfare. Romeo’s confessionals seem to be cobbled together from before they bleached his hair. Because continuity matters on ANTM as much as originality: not at all.

Screen shot 2014-09-16 at 9.54.59 AMTyra’s lesson this week is all about how sex sells. (Wow, really? We hope the kids are taking notes.) She offers tips on how to roll your neck, flip your hair, and smirk. Notice Tyra’s spelling of “werk.” More originality!

All the models do well, except for Lennox, whose shyness—and virginity—get in the way of her being sexy. She quits mid-lesson and Tyra’s eyes burst into furious flames.

Pseudo-artistic Photo Shoot: The models are quickly ushered into a commercial shoo for Spyder Byte perfume, which sounds like something Romeo already owns.

Will-Matthew1The men must pose as hapless victims of the women, done up like evil black widows. Doesn’t everyone look great with red Hot Topic contact lenses?

Not-so-coincidentally, Will and Matthew are paired up for this challenge. Despite their kiss last week, Matthew still insists he’s heterosexual: “I don’t like labels!” he chants over and over, to ward off the gay thoughts.

The challenge is fairly simple, except for Lennox (again), who insists she doesn’t know how to be sexy.

Conspicuous Product Placement: At this point, Tyra really just needs to look into the camera and  pitch us the products directly, because he monologues about the Line app’s usefulness are getting old. “You can have an entire conversation with stickers!” Sure, but I’m not a 10-year-old girl.

Adam-RomeoMatthew has the most trouble feigning enthusiasm for the app—he can’t muster more than a monotone.

Catfight: For a glorious moment, Top Model resembled Bad Girls Club and all was right in the world.

It was Romeo’s birthday and the house decided to turn up. Despite their past quarreling, Romeo and Adam decided to get along for a bit.  More debauchery ensued and Adam, actually trying to be helpful for a change, decided to put Romeo to bed. In his drunken stupor, though, Romeo headbutts Adam while taunting him about his lack of modeling skills.

ANTM-Denzel-RaeliaThe next day, Romeo is disqualified from the competition. Looks like his skills in the dark arts couldn’t save our bisexual warlock from the show’s zero-tolerance policy toward violence.

Unnecessarily Complex Mini-Challange: The models are forced to walk a runway in stilts. This little stunt has been done a million times before (cough, cough..Ivy Winters) but never on a runway outside of a reality show.

This season’s theme appears to be rejected Burning Man costumes, with the mannequins decked out in velcro, straw, felt and other items from the bargain bin at JoAnn Fabrics.

Can we get a real designer up in here?

Bad Romance: Denzel and Mirjana are still makin’ out. During judging, Mirjana admits that the two are dating.  No one mentions her boyfriend back at home.  Yikes!

Non-Elimination: After a goofy round of judging, during which Miss Jay actually places a glass of juice on Tyra’s butt to demonstrate the dangers of over-tooching, the top and bottom of the pack are announced.

Screen shot 2014-09-16 at 9.43.11 AM

Will snatches a ten (you go, homo!) while Tyra gives Lennox a score of 1 (one of the lowest scores ever given on the show)—and practically orgasms as she delivers the blow. “There is no photo because you don’t deserve a photo,” she decrees, her toes curling in devilish delight.

Luckily for Lennox, Romeo’s disqualification means she’s allowed to stay. But next week this vestal virgin will only have five frames in her probably fatal photo shoot. Tyra’s wrath is imminent.

Check back next week for our recap of America’s Next Top Model Episode 6!

freelance pop-culture blogger (NNN, MTV Iggy, Oxygen) / recovering academic / wannabe club kid / satanic hipster / talentless DJ.