The Cher Musical Might Be The Best Musical Ever

Cher: The Musical!

Cher is writing a Broadway-bound musical about her life.

Let me repeat: Cher is writing a musical about her life, and there are early plans to bring it to Broadway.

Wait…

Whoa…

Did you hear that rumbling sound? It was the sound of a billion people passing out at the exact same time.  Like a tent full of evangelicals who received a simultaneous healing touch, fans around the world just collapsed with joy at this wondrous thought.

Will there ever be anything more fabulous? More delicious? More likely to soak the audience with an ocean of champagne?

Seriously, though. I can’t wait to see this thing.

Here are details from a report that was published on Broadway.com:

According to her Twitter feed, Cher is writing a Broadway-bound musical about her life, which will feature herself and two other actresses in the title role: A young performer will portray the singer from before she met Sonny Bono through the Sonny & Cher years; a second will follow her solo career from 1977 through the 1999 Believe tour; and Cher herself will play a “wise” character looking back and communicating with the younger versions of herself. The new musical will include the legendary recording artist’s biggest hits.

I swear to god… if this musical works, it will be amazing. I mean, let’s just linger on this sentence: “Cher herself will play a ‘wise’ character looking back and communicating with the younger versions of herself.”

Do we even need to discuss why this could be awesome? I can’t wait to see “Wise Cher” slink on stage during those skin cream informercials from the early 90s and say, “Stop, bitch! Just stop it!”

And I know that might sound sarcastic, but I’m serious. This really could work. Cher has an amazing story and a great ability to laugh at herself. If she can balance the two—if she can keep this musical from getting too sappy by leavening it with self-aware, self-depracating humor—then it could be a feel-good diva explosion. (In other words, if she can avoid the weirdly self-righteous tone of Taboo, the Boy George musical, then everybody wins.)

So I’ve got my fingers crossed. I love Cher’s music. I love many of her movies, including Burlesque, which I saw in the theatre. I’ve been known to sport a Burlesque tank top. (Just check my Twitter photo.) And I also know that Cher is incredibly cool… or at least, she always comes across that way. If anyone can embrace the over-the-top, silly-but-serious elan of a bio-musical, it’s Cher.

So who should play the other Chers? Maybe Idina Menzel as the “middle Cher?” Do you think Lea Michele has already left messages on Cher’s phone, or is she just going to turn up on Letterman singing “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves?”

Whatever happens, I think we can agree that this song needs to be the opening number:

 

Previously: Cher destroys you with her movie awesomeness.

Mark Blankenship tweets as @IAmBlankenship. He once bought a version of Cher’s greatest hits that came in a purple box with glitter on it.