While Milan is off Swiftering her own floors with her taint, the rest of the queens are at it again on the latest episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Where are we going today, children? I thought I heard someone say, “The library is open!” Reading is fundamental darlings and that means it’s time for the reading mini-challenge. Oh you want to talk about reading? Let’s talk about reading!
Let’s just jump right to my favorite reads:
Dida to Latrice – “You’re free now. You don’t have to rock the yard sandals anymore.”
I died. That one literally made me laugh out loud.
Chad to Jiggly – “Come to me… here’s my dentist’s card. Use it.”
Blam! Bitch Pudding! At least we know all the queens are thinking the same thing we are thinking at home. Staff dentist, anyone?
Latrice to Willam – “Willam. Miss Industry. Congratulations on your new role as the Big Bad Wolf. Not by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.”
Signed. Sealed. Delivered!
Sharon to Dida – “Dida Ritz, a lot of you girls like to clock me for painting my skin on the gray side but I was inspired by your knees. They’re the same color as Willam’s chin.”
Sharon to Jiggly – “You such a fat slut after sex you smoke hams.”
Shablam! I die. I fell on the floor. Latrice ends up winning the mini-challenge but I thought it could have either been Sharon or Latrice. It’s funny to me that Phi Phi who without a doubt has been the bitch of this season. Ok, well, Phi Phi and Willam are about tied. But when it came to the reading challenge, Phi Phi phlopped. When I was on the show the reading challenge was hard because I liked almost everyone. A few came easily to me. Go back and watch Season Two and try to figure it out, now available on DVD on Amazon.com and Instant Viewing on Netflix.com. (*wink*)
After the library closes, the girls are told they must design their own Dragazine cover. Love it! It’s really a great chance to show off some creativity but it’s also tough because you do not get a lot of time. Latrice won so she gets to assign the magazine titles to the ladies. Good lord. I just imagine the meeting the producers had when they came up with these titles. They are hysterically genius. Let us bask in their glory:
Battle of the Bulge – Jiggly
Taste Like Chicken – Dida
Sugar Walls – Willam
Kitty Cats – Sharon
Sashay Away – Phi Phi
(When given this Phi Phi says, “Are you trying to tell me something?” Latrice replies, “Please do.” I die.)
Eleganza – Chad
What’s The T – Latrice
The queens get to work on their covers. Phi Phi plots to send Jiggly home. Dida says she won’t eat chicken or watermelon in public but then turns around and says, “Trying to gook a bitch.” Um. Isn’t that racist? Anyways, Latrice uses her 5 G’s: Good God Girl Get a Grip. “You’re a dude in a dress. It’s not that serious.” Amen. Halleluyer.
In chatting with the girls, it seems as though Ru isn’t really feeling any of their concepts that much. Phi Phi says she’s going to make her concept work and Ru says, “This reminds me of when you said you’d make Lady Gaga pop.”
Phi Phi retorts, “She popped. It might not have been in a good way. But she popped.” Yeah like when someone pops a little kid’s balloon. Admit defeat from that and move on.
I really loved it after Latrice had no idea how the hell to answer RuPaul, she just says,” I’m going to go back to my research department.”
Ok, and how did Jiggly NOT hear what Ru was saying to her? Jiggly, dear, your name essentially means Hot Fat. How can you not do funny when you get the magazine titled Battle of the Bulge?
As far as the photo shoot goes, three words. Jonathan Clay Harris. Hello! Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. Swoon! Sharon even tells him he should do porn. I’d buy it! The things Sharon says KILL me. It’s like Sophia Petrillo and Fester Addams birthed her.
As fun as the magazine titles were the results, sadly, did not deliver. Let’s open the library back up and read these Dragazines shall we?
Chad Michaels/Eleganza – It’s kind of like Cher: Beyond Thunderdome. It wasn’t awful but I wouldn’t buy the magazine either.
Dida Ritz/Taste Like Chicken – Dida, Dida, Dida. She really missed the mark on this one. There were SO many different directions she could have gone with that title. Sadly, she chose the most obvious.
Sharon Needles/Kitty Cats – I loved the homage to Grey Gardens. Sharon served up some Little Edie realness.
Latrice Royale/What’s The T? – Giving you Best Little Whorehouse in Drag Race. I think she got too caught up the glamour of it all. Come on, who wouldn’t have wanted to see Latrice sitting at a tiny table with some dolls drinking from a miniature tea set? That would have been gold!
Willam/Sugar Walls – I think Willam’s mistake was similar to everyone else’s in that they made it too much about them and less on the overall concept. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst.
Jiggly Caliente/Battle of the Bulge – I really wish she had listened to Ru. The final result would have been better than this lackluster cover. She looked as bored on the cover that I was looking at it.
Phi Phi O’ Hara/Sashay Away – She definitely proved she wouldn’t be sashaying away with this cover. She looked great. She did manage to make it pop.
So this week all the queens really looked fabulous for the most part. I couldn’t really think of anything that snarky or funny to write about them. And as it goes in The Legend of Billie Jean, “FAIR IS FAIR!” So I thought I’d rip apart my own fashion disasters when I was on Drag Race.
Kathy Griffin serves up Tepid Couture. It looks like I fell into a discount fabric bin and just decided to belt it and wear it… all.
Real Housewives of Cooter County. It would seem I found my grandmother’s panties and made them into a dress, accented with electrical tape.
The definition of Dime Store Floozy. I look like I’m all dressed up for the grade school musical of Oklahoma!, but sadly no one told me I’m not in grade school anymore.
Courtney Love stars in The Flintstones 3: Bedrock Rave. What’s that sound? Oh, it’s a train wreck.
And now back to Season Four! So, the queens are judged by guest judges, country legend Pam Tillis and Regina King. I’m still waiting to hear Ru say country legend: Dolly Parton. That, to me, is a dream judge! Regina King was on the really on the mark and even took in stride when Sharon said, “I’m talking about cats, you’re a pervert.” Oh Sharon. You slay me.
Phi Phi ends up winning the challenge. I would have either given it to Sharon or Phi Phi for their magazine covers but Phi Phi nailed it on the runway. Her best look yet.
When it comes to the bottom two, was it any shock that Jiggly was there? When she was asked in the workroom if she thought she was going to win, she paused before answering. That pretty much sealed her fate. Pam Tillis was exactly right when she said, ”It’s self-sabotage. If you don’t believe it, no one else will.” True, true, true.
Willam ends up in the bottom with Jiggly. I wasn’t shocked but it really could have been anyone else too. Regina said, “She missed the mark. There’s something about her on stage that’s robotic. She stood there with the exact same smile. It’s kind of creepy. Twenty minutes later it’s still the same.” Regina, that’s called Botox.
The Lip Sync For Your Life is a song by Pam Tillis, since she’s there and all. Willam does serve up country/pop star realness and Jiggly serves up fish out of water. In the end it’s Jiggly Caliente’s turn to sashay away.
What do you think? Did the right queen sashay away? Was it a long time coming? Is your top three becoming a reality? Sound off below!